Thank Heaven For Little Boys?
By: Ashli Tagoai
Relatives and friends file in through the massive oak doors of the funeral home. I am sitting in between my grandma and my sister Hillari on a wooden pew in the first row. As I face forward, I feel my heart sink to the floor. Nobody can feel as miserable as I do today. I'm almost positive that nobody knows what it feels like to finally realize that your only brother is dead. It hits you like a slap across the face when you realize that he is no longer laying in your arms grabbing at your fingers as you tickle his tiny nose. Lifeless, he now lies there in a casket with my mother standing over him. Her tears drip down her cheeks onto his tiny little face.
At first, I am not crying. But everyone else in the room is. Walking up to the open casket, I see that Spencer is wearing the outfit that I bought my mom on the day of her baby shower. Across the front of the blue cotton onesie, the words "Thank Heaven For Little Boys" are embroidered. Thank heaven for little boys? Why would I do that? God took Spencer away from us. Heaven doesn't give you little boys. Instead, it pries them out of your fingers so that you can no longer touch their chubby cheeks, hear them whimper, or smell their sweet baby breath. I don’t thank heaven for Spencer. I blame heaven for taking him.
***
The day saw my baby brother lying in a casket before me was the day I first started to question God. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that someone who was supposed to have created human beings, let my helpless baby brother die. If God was so powerful, wouldn't He have saved Spencer from SIDS?
Whenever people told me that Spencer had been taken by God to a better place, I never believed them. Earth was the greatest place Spencer could be. Here, he would have me, my parents, my sister Hillari, and all of the other people who loved him. Heaven was not the "better place."
I just can't understand why this would happen to good people like my parents and our family. All I can think about is that day at the funeral when Spencer wore that "Thank Heaven For Little Boys" outfit. I was so mad at God and heaven for taking him away. It seemed as if there was nobody else to blame for his death. But now, I realize that it wasn't God's fault. There's nobody to blame. Even though it's hard not to point the finger at God, I can't continue to blame him forever.
I guess the only thing I can blame for Spencer's sudden death is fate. If fate had intended for Spencer to be here right now, he would be here. Fate isn't always looking to please you.